Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
You Might Also Like
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.