A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
You Might Also Like
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing