Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*orders delivery*
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour