Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.