At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Breaking news:
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that