“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
You Might Also Like
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did