ACED my prostate exam!
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.