It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
hackers play passwordle
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
the three branches of government
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*