*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.