rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
saw this in a dream
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.