Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
You Might Also Like
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: