Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
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[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.