Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
You Might Also Like
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat