HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
You Might Also Like
They’re not wrong
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Your secret is safeish with me
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
boat question
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf