Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
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“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
another case of gang violins
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
u spoke cat all this time??????
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?