[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.