Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
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Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*