I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh