Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.