BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”