Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No