I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.