No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?