I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?