Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
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if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
getting groceries
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm