Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.