If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?