Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
wtf is a larm clock?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
seems fine
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.