My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I have obtained a hat
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes