co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Finally!
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.