“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.