A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.