look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
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My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.