What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me