the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?