Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
You Might Also Like
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
felt that
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)