[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
You Might Also Like
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”