Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Basketball
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
lol
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders