Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.