When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.