“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
You Might Also Like
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Has science gone too far?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?