[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
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I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing