If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
LOL!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent