Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Y’all ready for this
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
We avoided this particular disaster
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955