I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey