All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner