when there are deer in the woods
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Some people were born into their job.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia