I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Risking my life for fun.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.