3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
You Might Also Like
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?