As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”